DC is weird, dude. Whether you’re looking for secret underground bunkers or a creepy museum, you don’t need to stray far from the capital to find a new reality. Here are a few of our favorite capital creep-shows:
Oz – Watkins Regional Park ( 30m)
Tucked away in a quiet suburb of Upper Marlboro, MD is a bizarre homage to Lyman Frank Baum who, aside from his occasional advocacy for genocide, was a swell guy. Here you’ll find Auntie Em’s house, munchkins, and other characters ripped off from the Brother’s Grimm.
It’s a good place to wander with a dime bag and some shrooms (way more fun than staring intensely at your hand all day). Beyond the playground, I encountered a pig dressed like a king, or a Republican, or maybe it was Mr. Baum.
Anyway, good luck finding your car after an hour in this place.
National Museum of Health and Medicine HORROR ( 30m)
Inside the National Museum of Health and Medicine is a macabre menagerie of dead baby bodies and failed medical experiments. Included in their collection are dozens of surgical tools, from bone saws to… Actually, I only remember the bone saws:
Managed by the US Department of Defense (no stranger to death and destruction), the NMHM includes hundreds of bodies and body parts salvaged from foreign wars. Imagine row upon row of civil war bones, organized by battle: this shelf has Gettysburg and, oh look kids! Spotsylvania!
Seriously: don’t take your children here. They will never sleep again.
Since it’s right here in our Nation’s Capital, we of course have body parts of assassinated US Presidents. Ever wonder where the bits of Lincoln’s shattered skull ended up? Here you go:
…and what about the 12th Thoracic, 1st and 2nd Lumbar Vertibrae of President James Garfield, severed by a bullet from his assassin, Charles Guiteau? We got you covered:
By far the creepiest part of their collection is the collection of baby skeletons and pickled human embryos, which will haunt me forever. They were top of mind when — and I am not making this up — the power went out, shrouding the exhibit hall in darkness.
We headed for the exit before they could make us a part of the museum.
Culture House
There’s a deconsecrated church in Southwest that has been converted into an art gallery and events space. It has always been open when we’ve dropped by, but they keep strange hours. Fortunately, the most stunning display is visible from the outside:
Tunnels in Georgetown / Old Town ( 30m)
Both Georgetown and Old Town have tunnels that have mostly escaped public awareness. The one in Old Town (just south of King Street at Wilkes and Royal) was an old railway tunnel, sometimes visited by a ghost train that locals swear you can feel rushing past on a dark night. The Foundry Branch Tunnel, in Georgetown, was a connector for carriages and motor cars before becoming a pedestrian-only passage.
Foamhenge ( 1.5 hr)
I remember when you could walk right up to Stonehenge and touch the stones. Then Clark Griswald backed his car into them. Today, the authorities won’t let you within 15 yards of the landmark. If you feel, as I do, that the restriction renders Stonehenge no longer worth the transatlantic flight, just drive 40 minutes out to Cox Farm in the wilds of Virginia for the next best thing: Foamhenge.
No, unfortunately I don’t have a picture. Even foamhenge didn’t compel me to pull out my cell phone, apparently. But here’s a video of Clark Griswald ruining it for the rest of us:
Hidden DC
There’s so much more weirdness to DC but, sadly, it’s hidden from public view. Remember that scene from Dave when the President escapes via an underground tunnel that leads to the lock-keeper’s house on Constitution Avenue? Well there really is a network of tunnels under the White House. Some, like the underground Presidential Emergency Operations Center are off-limits to the public, but others, like the White House Bowling Alley, where my son and I played a few games, are sometimes open if to West Wing employees.
And, speaking of the lock-keeper’s house: Did you know that Constitution Avenue was once a canal? And, before that, a river known as the Tiber. Watch this Washington Post journalist’s sewer tour for the full history:
I’ve always wanted to tour the Navy’s Model Basin, which is like a big bathtub for admirals to play with their new toys. You can at least see how huge it is from the outside. It’s accessible by the C&O Trail, just west of the beltway.